complex

it would seem it has been a while since i have last written on this. i apologize for not being as committed as i could be, if any of you actually care. but anyways.

i've been thinking alot lately about who i am as an individual and what makes me me. why do my friends love me so much and why is it that i have trouble seeing what everyone else around me sees. my insecurities have cost me friendships, have caused a rift at times between me and my creator, and even were the primary reason in my relationship ending last april. these insecurities are masked by a faint veil of arrogance and a thin veneer of wit that carries me through each and every day. but why cant i be honest with people about why i cant be happy with myself? why cant i just simply be happy with myself? did my Father not create me this way for a purpose? why have i questioned him at each and every turn lately?

i stopped going to group because i dont take it seriously. i ran out of medication and i have become okay with that. and since i have put Christ back in my life at the center, i have become so much happier. is it possible that all of this "mental instability" is just an elaborate ploy by my own sinful nature to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on everything that i think is wrong with me? i have so many questions i have to answer for myself. but until then, i have to figure out whether or not God is calling me into something a little risky. who knows. but until then. thank you for those of you who look out for me. you know exactly who you are. i appreciate you all more than you will ever know. also read this side of paradise by f. scott fitzgerald. its fantastic.

with love and reverie

S

a poem about thinking

interstate endings with a patient crime
as the patient is waiting for the proper time
to begin to begin thinking about the end
a baby boy carries innocence and
turns the page to find that its just
something about something about love

in the closest of fashions he catches blue eyes
and their owner smiles as she reads between the lines
attraction leads to action which comes to clarity
for a brief moment he hears a voice that says
"without paper weights we all have a choice to
put everything into anything to find meaning"

theres just something about definition in waiting
a blank stare at blank loose leaf with debating
and hell will never ask for the best of anything
it just demands your life in exchange for nothing

a wave of inspiration and a careful count
and with prescription pills he has something to write about
unhappiness rewrites happiness in utter defiance
the pen will start moving in the direction of heartbreak
and construct a dream that he has while he's awake
between youth and university he finds meaning

and nothing makes sense until it starts making sense
the pieces piece together in the trend of common sense
but paper just burns faster without clever lines
apologies and a hollow bookcase
a lustful look and here comes the hollow chase
to hear temptations name spoken and feel an empty kiss

and the city sees the sunset and raises it the glow
of the skyline to call the bluff the sunset obviously shows
and heaven has given grace for the best of me
as the worst slowly dies, i recieve everything for nothing

relationships

with every relationship, there is a definite beginning, and in 99% of relationships, an end. whether that end comes by death, or break up, or by just simple agreement, the truth remains the same. but as with all things there is an exception to this so called rule. i guess it comes with the definition of a relationship, which according to dictionary.com is "a connection, an association, or involvement." for me, connections, associations, and involvements seem to run every aspect of my life. but each of these relationships are temporay. even my relationships with my parents and my best friends will end one day. i guess my point in writing this is really just advice for myself; a little peace of mind. you see, i put so much faith in people. people who are fallen. people who decend from adam and eve. people who are selfish, and ruthless, and well, sinners. in fact, i believe i put most of my faith in people the majority of my time. its only when those people let me down, i truly find out who i belong with. God, while not always pleased with my decisions, is always there for me. the messed up thing is, while i was typing that, i almost put "when i need him". that makes my relationship with God look conditional. tonight i had this conversation with one of my best friends about being okay with letting someone you love go (and yes i do mean a girl). he said that looking out for yourself and being all about you and your relationship with Christ is the way to go. its less of a selfish thing and more of a guarding your heart thing. just becasue "i" thought myself and this individual were supposed to be together and just because i thought it was "God's will" for us to be, doesnt mean that is the case.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)


i look at those verses in proverbs and find that i lean too much on my own understanding. i think i know best and i often tell God, "hey Man, i got this. dont worry about it." and then find myself so far in over my head that i become more and more depressed. that sends me back to God. which sucks. i should desire him even when things are good. i am not here for me, but here for him. why can't i just stick to his plan instead of wandering off on my own and screwing myself over time and again by putting all of the faith that is rightfully His and putting it into girls or friends or my family. earthly, worldly things... i think thats why i have alot of my issues. i'm so focused on how i see the world i forget that God sees it so much better than i can. its like stairing at a stain glass picture. i see it from up close (like my nose is touching the glass close), with its jagged edges and ugly bubbles, but God sees it from across the room. He can see the full picture. His plan represents the true beauty of everything. He knows what He is doing. He's been at this since before time began and will be at the end of it and even after that. which i can't begin to comprehend. but, i know it to be true. that gives me comfort. with that, i'll leave you all with this...

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:6-8)

i love you all...

S

my favorite sports moment of all time

on october 15th, in game 1 of the 1988 world series, the los angeles dodgers were trailing the oakland atheletics 4-3 in the bottom of the 9th with two outs and the tying run on base. the dodgers were considered the underdogs to the A's, who went 104-58 that year and had in their line up, names like jose canseco and mark mcgwire. outfielder kirk gibson injured both legs in the national league championship series and was sick with a stomach virus, so he didn't start in game 1. Throughout most of the game, gibson was in the locker room undergoing physical therapy, watching the game on television. when he heard the broadcast comment that he was no where to be found, he notified manager tommy lasorda that he could pitch hit. keeping this a secret, lasorda sent dave anderson to the on deck circle, causing closer dennis eckersley to walk pitch hitter mike davis. when it was time for anderson to come up to bat, lasorda inserted gibson to pitch it, causing the fans to go insane. gibson limped up to the plate and found himself quickly behind with an 0-2 count. after recieving 3 balls, gibson stepped out of the batters box and focused on the backdoor slider that was about to come. he stepped back in, and when eckersley wound up and pitched, gibson hit a home run over the right field wall, giving the dodgers the win over the A's, 5-4. the dodgers went on to win the series that year, 4-1.


this was exactly 11 months and two days prior to to the day i was born. after watching this clip randomly today, i realized exactly why i love sports. it really has nothing to do with the fact that this was the greatest moment in dodgers history (besides Jackie Robinson). it has nothing to do with the fact that this is a story i grew up hearing from my dad, who did not witness this live because he was so pissed going into the 9th inning, he made my mother turn off the tv and the two went to bed figuring it was over (my mom still gives him crap for it to this day). it is simply because of the unpredictability that comes with sports. well, i lied. its also the fact that the dodgers won the world series that year. someday i hope to witness them win another.

so far their record is 5-6. they better beat the giants today.

S

shipwreck

I fell into the ocean waves
I became lost at sea
My thoughts they trail to yesterday
When my sails floated in meaning
I trace the lines upon your face
I define every curve
With every time I felt the taste
Of your lips, they still burn

And if I carried the highways with me
I’d throw the miles into the sea
Tearing open the scars I’ve borrowed from you
With any luck they’ll sink to the bottom
But knowing me they’ll end up on shore
I just wish things could be like before

For the record I’m a little nervous in
Defining a concept of a thought that’s incomplete
And for the moment I’m a little tired
And I’m just feeling incomplete
I’ve been staring into mirrors hoping for
A chance to make the change
And with the moment I’ll make the most of it
For a chance to rearrange

I’ve got an expensive taste
And you’re the drink that’s meant to quench
So without you I’m a wasted desert lie
Exposed to the exposure
Of the threat of something older
And reminding myself of what you’ve got to lose

in medias res

In medias res literally means "in the middle of affairs". It's a literary term used to describe a story that starts in the middle rather than the beginning. So it makes sense to title this first post based on that concept since you are just meeting me in the middle of things.

I'll choose to begin this in the exact same way as everyone else who blogs in that I have no idea who is going to actually read this; who will actually care. I don't even really know exactly what it is I am trying to accomplish in posting my thoughts all across the interweb. But nonetheless I hope to at least be able to write something that may stir some conversation, perhaps even meet a few new people in the process.

Anyways, the real inspiration for writing this came from reading a fellow blogger's blog giving an in-depth look at Anberlin's Cities, one of my favorite records. After reading that I stumbled upon Stephen Christian's (Anberlin's singer) blog and quickly became inspired to just write whatever it is I am thinking and post it on the internet. Sound like a good idea right? Probably not. I'm probably going to regret creating this because I am sure this is going to give my friends another excuse to give me a hard time. But whatever.

If you can't tell, I have A.D.D. which kind of makes it hard to write. So if I get off topic with something, please bare with me.

So thats about it for now. An introduction does not have to be incredibly intellectual and I am already bored with this. But hopefully I will post again soon. Until then...

S