it would seem it has been a while since i have last written on this. i apologize for not being as committed as i could be, if any of you actually care. but anyways.
i've been thinking alot lately about who i am as an individual and what makes me me. why do my friends love me so much and why is it that i have trouble seeing what everyone else around me sees. my insecurities have cost me friendships, have caused a rift at times between me and my creator, and even were the primary reason in my relationship ending last april. these insecurities are masked by a faint veil of arrogance and a thin veneer of wit that carries me through each and every day. but why cant i be honest with people about why i cant be happy with myself? why cant i just simply be happy with myself? did my Father not create me this way for a purpose? why have i questioned him at each and every turn lately?
i stopped going to group because i dont take it seriously. i ran out of medication and i have become okay with that. and since i have put Christ back in my life at the center, i have become so much happier. is it possible that all of this "mental instability" is just an elaborate ploy by my own sinful nature to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on everything that i think is wrong with me? i have so many questions i have to answer for myself. but until then, i have to figure out whether or not God is calling me into something a little risky. who knows. but until then. thank you for those of you who look out for me. you know exactly who you are. i appreciate you all more than you will ever know. also read this side of paradise by f. scott fitzgerald. its fantastic.
with love and reverie
S
